It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
