oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
