Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize