Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
