I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
