He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize