Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
