Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
