That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Randomize
