I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
