It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
