There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
