Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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