I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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