Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
