never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
