How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
