Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
