I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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