I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
