its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
