i just sent this text using only my big toe
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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