just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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