can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
