i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
