My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
