i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
