You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
