I think I died a long time ago.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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