pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
my being single is dangerous.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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