my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
