I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
