I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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