I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Panties = found
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