Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
