I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
