I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
