i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize