the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
