the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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