We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
