you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
