I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize