He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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