If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
