Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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