The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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