peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
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