My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
