mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
