I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
