then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I AM VODKA MAN
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
