I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I am available for nakedness
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
