the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
