I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
