God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
