I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
