Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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