So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
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