atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
