I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
