The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I think your dad took our porno
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
