based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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