Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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