Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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