I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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