Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
