the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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