I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
